Why do we speak ill of others and cannot contain ourselves when we don't have anything nice to say?

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believer 06 Nov 2019

Some people say nasty things directly to a person's face and a large majority of other folks would talk maliciously behind someone's back. What triggers this reaction and what can we do to avoid it?

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sarah_7 14 Nov 2019

Well I've been told that I'm a monster,a demon, a devil, to go kill myself ect ect so i concluded that they feel extreme pleasure in hurting you. Ignorance drive them mad

gices 06 Nov 2019

Let me tell you a little story...

I don't think my manager likes me very much at work. I have observed the way he treats me compared to other colleagues and over a long enough period of time and I have concluded I'm being discriminated against. I'm convinced he's got a personal vendetta against me for whatever reason, unknown to me.

Anyway, one day a colleague approached me and said the manager had call him into a meeting and told him someone had made a complaint against him for bad hygiene which he was very upset about. We are a small team in the department and we hardly ever have to liaise with other people. My colleague was more upset that the person who complained did not talk to him directly but went on to log an official complaint with the manager. So I thought about it and said it must have been the manager himself but he's pretending it's coming from someone else. I didn't think anyone in our team would go as far as making a complaint, as we get along with each other quite well. I reinforced my argument with examples of when I thought the manager had treated me in a similar way and told him things like "yes, he's like that, not a very nice person", "don't trust him" etc

It was only the day after that I realised I had been ill-talking about my manager. I wasn't very proud :(

First, I didn't know for sure who made the complaint, so I shouldn't just assume. Second, even if this was true, I shouldn't say bad things about him because we have to realise nobody's perfect and we have to forgive people for their wrongdoings, especially towards us.

I think you're more likely to say unpleasant things about someone when you get the chance to. I couldn't just have gone to another colleague and start ranting, I had to wait for the perfect time to bring out my frustration and as soon as that opportunity came to me, I grabbed it.

You always have the tendency to think you're right and many times you're not. There may be some shortcomings in me which my manager has not been able to talk to me about (maybe because I don't take criticism very well, I don't know) but instead of working on to improve myself, I took the shortcut and put the blame on him. Once he becomes the villain, it's settled for me because he's the one who's wrong and I can carry on with my life.

One thing I keep reminding myself is to only speak when I have something worthwhile to contribute, otherwise to keep my mouth shut. The problem is to remain in a state of awareness and to catch yourself before it's too late. It takes practice and becomes more challenging when you're put to test during times of strong emotional feelings like anger, frustration and hate.

You need to become more conscious of what you do (talk/see/touch) and eventually the gap between self-realisation and your immediate response will become shorter until self-awareness has become part of you and the outcome of your response will be kind.

And you can only get better through constant practice in everyday situations...